just came back from work; made a new contact. but i'm not going to blog about that.

fun part: yumipitz took a lot of great photos, and i got a lot of great footage for the office facebook. so that's yay. and an equally fun but not-really-at-the-time moment? when a cockroach kept following us while i was trying to eat my late lunch.

overall, tonight was a great night at work. i will miss this when i'm gone.

the not so fun part: i don't understand fans. seriously. they keep saying they're smart, and that shows shouldn't think they're stupid. but if you ask me, they kind of are. seriously. if they're so smart as they claim to be, then they wouldn't need explanations. they wouldn't be questioning certain things that are already very clear.

this is my problem with a lot of people: they think if they don't understand something, it's because that something does not make sense. no one wants to just ask a question.

one of my favorite quotes in life is from one of my college professors. she told us, when no one would ask a question about a very confusing topic: "there's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who won't admit that they don't understand." and i do believe that's true.

one of the goals i set up for 2010 is to be published--even as a trashy romance novel writer. and i'm placing that goal smack dab in the middle of this february. i am challenging myself to write a romance story of ten chapters--within two weeks.

challenge accepted.

instead of ranting, i'm just going to sleep. i'm out of energy. i really shouldn't give a flying shit anymore. it is what it is, they are who they are. i just have to believe that they will get what's coming to them.

i was supposed to blog last night, but i fell asleep in front of my laptop. that's what one hour of sleep does to you. when i came to, i decided to call it a night and shut down the laptop. which i did. but i fell asleep while waiting for it to shut down.

so what was i going to blog about yesterday? retail therapy.

salary finally came in, and i splurged a little. i didn't overspend, but neither was i able to hold back. i bought the essentials, things i really did set out to buy. then, i passed by fully booked and got these:



then, i remembered that i had to buy a new camera bag. because the one i've been using has zipper problems. so i set out to look for one in a crowded mall. wouldn't you know it, there's a sale!

unfortunately, when i finally found the bag i wanted--it was in one of the floors that wasn't included in the semi mall-wide sale.



i did still buy it though. ford (my 400d camera) has a new home!

while looking for the bag though, i passed by the only clothing store i buy stuff from. and i saw a new shirt i liked. so, i bought that too--along with a couple other things.



again, i didn't overspend. but i realized as i was going home (i commuted) that i may have bought too much in one go. my arms are sore still from lugging all my purchases yesterday. and i was planning on walking home too! i only scrapped that plan when i started seeing red marks on my hands.

and aside from getting new stuff, i also managed to get rid of a few negative vibes that i've been feeling lately. retail therapy does work. i just wish i had more money. maybe i could've gotten rid of more negative vibes.

why am i doing this again?

i've been awake for nearly two days now.

last night, i think i mentioned that i was going to finish an extra-work thing that i had to submit by midnight. i didn't get to finish it by midnight. i finished it at 9 in the morning. i wish it was because i fell asleep, but i didn't. from 7 p.m. last night i had toiled until the wee hours of the morning, until it was time to go to work.

i still have one extra-work thing to do and my deadline is 7 p.m. tomorrow night. so i plan to make some headway tonight, and then go home early tomorrow to finish it off--before 7 p.m.

i'm giving myself a limit this time though. i'm only working until 9:30 and then i'm heading to bed. while i think i can still last one more day without sleeping, that's just suicide.

i may have bitten off more than i can chew. and what's worse is the fact that i still haven't let go of my procrastinating ways. so now i have a deadline to meet in two hours, and it's already taken me two hours to finish up 10% of what i need to do.

here's the bad part: i started last night. i couldn't focus and decided to finish it in the morning. but i was given an early assignment that i didn't get to do, because i couldn't find my subject. (who later on said he was there.) so i wasn't able to squeeze in a few more of the thing i was supposed to do. to top it all off, i got delayed coming home from work. and i had to help my mom out because she's sick--and i'm not taking that against her.

to end, i just want to say: i am in deep shit.

and i will never do this again. (but i keep doing it anyway.)

i went home early, and i'm posting early too. not because i'm off to bed, but because i have a non-work, but paying, writing gig. yay! so yeah, i'm off to do that in a while. it's a translating thing that i'm trying out--not because it's my first time to translate, but rather because it's work that comes from the ... other side.

i plan on leaving work early the rest of week. i think only friday would give me trouble with this. but i will do everything in my power to be able to leave work early.

and by early, i mean less than 12 hours. because while i did leave work early today, i still ended up with 11 hours of time in the office. meh.

nightmare: the whole world was being overrun by dinosaurs. and not just any kind of dinosaurs, but fast-running, man-eating dinosaurs. i have no clue how that got stuck in my head, but it did and i dreamed about it.

the first part of the dream was a premonition of sorts; i was already running from the dinosaurs, and the whole world (according to the news) were in chaos. as i was running, i could see people getting snatched up and eaten by dinosaurs. cars were being upturned, bird-like dinosaurs were picking at the people trapped inside cars.

a van suddenly screeches to a halt in front of me, it's doors opening. i jump in.

as soon as i close the window, a beak slams into the window. it didn't break, but i could see cracks.

"reinforced," said the person who saved me. i look forward to find out where we were going. seemingly having read my mind, the person told me, "safe grounds."

we arrive at a house and run inside. we didn't have any sightings of dinosaurs yet, so i believed the person who told me that we were on safe grounds. until i heard a scream.

i turned and i was in my house, and the scream was my sister's. dinosaurs were rampaging outside our house, causing mayhem in the village we live in. we saw a dinosaur grab a man who was running past it--swallowing the man whole. the crunch of human bones as it made its way down the dinosaur's throat was deafening.

then the dinosaur turned to us. my sister and i ran, hid inside the closet--and i woke up.

a lot of people grouse about the fact that they don't have money. and i completely understand the feeling. i do this a lot too. but for the last week, it's not money i'm worried about. after all, once i'm out of my current job, i'll have plenty of time to worry about that.

aside: yes, it wasn't the smartest decision to quit without a new job to go to.

but this last week, what i really wanted was time.

out of the 24 hours we have in a day, i spend around 6 to 7 hours sleeping. i spend an hour to get ready--including the brushing of teeth, preparing clothes for the next day, stuff like that. i spend 8 to 10 hours at the office, and around an hour to commute. and blogging takes me less than thirty minutes. so where do the rest of my time go?

i update facebook fan pages and the starstruck website once a day, but at most that's two hours down the drain.

but i still feel as if i don't have enough time. i don't have enough time to pursue my dreams of photography, my writing--even watching movies and television shows.

seeing as i'm only 25, it's time i need to focus on spending wisely--more so than money.

i realized today that not only did i want something new in my life (hence the resignation), and not only did i want to pursue my dream (the masteral thing, the publishing thing, and the writing for tv thing), but i also want a new adventure. and i've got two adventures in mind:

audience research. i love learning what people like, and what speaks to people. i love finding out what makes them tick, what makes them swoon, what makes them laugh. and this ties in very well to my dreams of writing. because by knowing what the people want, i know what to write about--or not write about.

the other is;

talent management. i'm not saying our talent management in the philippines is bad. it's just that--i've got so many ideas of making it better. i've got contacts now, so i can actually pursue this with the possibility of succeeding. but am i ripe enough for this?

and by doing this second thing, i might actually close the doors on my dreams of writing. and i don't want to do that.

so i'm hoping for option #1 to push through; which is, incidentally, my only option right now.

i finally finished watching julie and julia. again, i do not have any technical whatchamacallits. i enjoyed the movie, even though i had to split it into two parts: the first hour i watched last night, and the second hour, i just finished watching now.

i thought it was sad that julie didn't get to meet julia. i kind of felt for julie, who seemed only to want affirmation from julia. or maybe that was just the way the movie was written. or the book. who knew what really happened in real life, right? i mean, how do we know that what someone's blogging about is actually what happened in real life?

i'm putting friends on exception, since we probably know if something's true or not. right?

anyway, i'm off to sleep now. i'm just trying to keep with my new year's promise (not resolution) of blogging, or writing something that isn't work-related, once a day.

in another news; i've got a very weird internet connection today. everything loads fine, except livejournal.

and; i still haven't heard back from the thing that i wanted but i don't know if i'm going to get. maybe it's time to follow up? i just don't want to come on too strong.

i really, really want it.

it's hard to complain when you're breezing by life so quickly.

i managed to accomplish a lot today, with the most major accomplishment being: i got to go home early. i plan on doing the same on friday. it gets tiring that people expect you to be at the office all the time. whereas before, whenever i would stay at the office past five in the afternoon, people would start asking me why i wasn't home yet.

now, when i check my mail, i get tasked to do things way past eight in the evening. things that are really not hard to do. i mean, you just have to cut and paste stuff, and link it back to where you got it. how hard is that? at most it'll take up 5 minutes, and only because the internet at the office is slow.

the funny part is: that task was never part of my job description. they just got used to me doing it without complaint.

i guess that's what happens when you don't complain straight to the boss. because as you guys know, i complain a lot. i could find something to complain about even in the most beautiful of days. that's why i'm a writer.

but anyhow, i am not going to complain today. because today, i managed my own time. i was my own person. and i didn't have to step on anyone to do that.

it's thirty minutes to go before it becomes monday. and the only reason i'm still awake is because i'm waiting for my photos to finish transferring to my thumb drive.

... oh wait, it just finished.

anyway. i sent someone a message today regarding a writing gig i've been longing to have. like, since i graduated. and all signs are pointing to me finally getting said gig. but i don't want to get my hopes up. i might not get it still. there are so many factors to consider, and ... well, i just don't want to get my hopes up.

that said, the feeling of affirmation was incredible. after i received the reply, i felt as if i couldn't do anything wrong.

i really hope i get it.

watched sherlock holmes earlier today with mom and sis. afterwards, i treated them to an early dinner. this might be the last time i get to treat anybody as i will be making my resignation official very soon. that would mean my pay would be held until i finish all my clearances.

i have to admit, i will miss my work for sure. come to think of it, there's really no outside pressure to contend with, no dress codes, no rules to follow. it's a mad world at the office.

but i guess that's also the reason why i need to quit. without structure, there is no direction. without direction, there is no growth. and i'm tired of being static.

i need a future i can be proud of.

on to other things; i am immensely impressed with sherlock holmes. it did it's job. it was able to entertain me, and i didn't notice time flying by. and i will judge the goodness of the movie on that. so to whoever asks me if they should watch it, i will say yes.

apparently, while most everyone at the office know i'm leaving, no one actually knows the reason. this afternoon, while having pizza on one of my office mate's last day at work, i found out that most people think i'm leaving the office to start working at the network as a script writer.

while this is the plan, i haven't told anyone that this is what i'll be doing. i don't even know what i'll be doing come february 28 (the first monday in more than three years that i will no longer be tied to where i'm working now).

i do know that i don't want a vacation. i want to be on my first day of whatever job i'll have by then.

so, one month.

let's do this.

i have to ask, am i actually making myself miserable?

every day i would wish before i sleep: make tomorrow better than today. and the most i get is a day as shitty as the last. so it's not better. just the same old shitty day with different stuff mixed in.

oh, i try to see the good. i try to see the silver lining. but on the fourth day of being the only one on my team going to work, it's really hard to look for that silver lining. can't it be sunny in my world for once?

of course, i don't mean that literally. i actually love the cold weather we're having right now. oddly, the weather stations have started warning us about el nino, and instead of heat and drought, we're getting--snow weather. without the snow, or the freezing temperature.

it is freezing inside the office though. the last time my office mate jill and i had to leave just to defrost was late 2008. when things were so much lighter.

i'm also 3k in the red. had to borrow money from my mother just so i could pay for my camera's repairs. the good news: it's back. and the bad news: well, i just said i'm broke, didn't i?

pay day's not until friday, but my over time pay won't come in until the end of the month. by then, i'll probably have around 80 hours of overtime. i should, like, get double the salary. i doubt that's going to happen though.

i have a date now for my last day of work. february 25. it's still tentative, but it's out there now. i'm kind of scared of what will happen, but at the same time, i can't wait to leave my current work.

that, and i'm also curious as to what life will throw at me next.

on to other things, i've started "working out." why do i have quotation marks? because i haven't hit the gym. working out, right now, is running every time i do not have to go to work, and doing push-ups whenever i get home from work. it's something small, but i have to start somewhere.

and it's not like i'm trying to buff up. i'm just trying to balance my health by exercising. after all, i eat a lot of junk. though, i've lessened my soda intake, and my frappucino intake too.

but now that i'm doing that, i've got a feeling something's going to happen with my starbucks diet. what with my name being in one of the raffle entries for a whole week's worth of free favorite drinks. if i get picked, yay! but if i don't, i can live with that too.

my health says i should wish not to get picked. but the last time i tried to quit starbucks, they gave me a receipt voucher that said i get one free drink.

now that i've started to ramble, i'm going to go ahead and say good night.

i've already realized this before, but today made me face this facet of my personality again: i hate being dependent on other people. i truly, deeply loathe having to depend on someone else for something. whether it be for money (it's embarrassing to ask for money when you're already working), or asking someone to accompany you to a coverage (especially on weekends). you never know when you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

i wish i didn't have to depend on other people. but that will never happen. humans are social creatures--and we need each other to thrive. but there are times when i wish i didn't have to depend; times when i wish i could do everything myself. and then maybe, just maybe, i wouldn't be so sad (or mad, or annoyed--depending on my mood) when other people let me down.

friday made me realize how crappy my first working week of 2010 was. sure, it had it's good points--but generally, it was one headache after another. let's enumerate:

( long and winding rant--again )

in conclusion, i did not have a very good week.