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08 May 2015 @ 11:38 pm
there are days when...  
i feel spent. tired. and at the risk of sounding like whiny emo teenager... i wish i'd disappear. even for just a half-second. to somewhere peaceful. somewhere where all plans happen as you planned it. where all you have to worry about is the fact there's nothing to worry about.

where people you thought appreciated you actually appreciated you.

okay, so i've been carrying this in my chest since last monday. when someone handed out giveaways, during our press conference, to everyone in our table...except me. with the first giveaway, i figured they ran out. it didn't matter. i don't mind being the lone one who doesn't get a giveaway. but then the second giveaway arrived. and there were a couple of extras. and the person giving it out looked at me... and still didn't give me one.

was i not part of this team?

what hurts here isn't the fact that they seemed to be purposely avoiding giving me anything... it's the fact that off my team, i'm the only one they could wrangle at odd hours of the day to do stuff i'm not even supposed to do. and i do it because i want to help them. and this is what i get in return. looked at, and then ignored.

i won't lie. i cried a little. just a little. and then i chose to move on. i pushed myself to move on. dwelling on something as insignificant as that isn't very mature. it's not like i was dying and they refused to get me help. i did my best to convince myself that it didn't matter.

but i guess it does. because, here i am, four days letter, still dwelling on what happened.

it doesn't help that they've asked for favors again. twice. since last monday. favors i could've refused to do. but i didn't.

and therein lies the problem, i think. people look at me and know that i wouldn't turn anyone down. because i know that when something needs to be done, it needs to be done. sure, i'm not the fastest person in terms of writing, but when push comes to shove, i will be there to catch whatever needs to be caught. or, you know, clumsily tackle it to the ground.

which is why i got saddled with a new workload.

which is why i'm still doing tasks that i should've already graduated from.

which is why i still haven't found the time to do the one personal project i promised myself i would finish.

but i shouldn't blame that on anyone but me.

i'm the problem here.

i need to learn how to say no.

fuck no.

hell no.

shit no.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: "Music of the Heart"